I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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