Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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