Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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