just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
