he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
