Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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