Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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