can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
