So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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