You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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