Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
