Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
