You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think your dad took our porno
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize