We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
