dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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