I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
lets start a swedish sibling band together
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
