everyone is single if you try hard enough
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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