Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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