it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
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