My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
