I wish my penis had an off switch
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
why do cheetos always look like penises
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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