I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
