you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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