Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
