I cannot find my penis.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
