I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
