I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
