This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
