She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
