I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
