His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
