my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
