i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
