you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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