I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
