I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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