there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
