saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize