A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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