The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
