OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
