The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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