I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
