Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
