remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
