We're facebook friends in real life
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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