dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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