Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
