I think im going to throw up on grandma
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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