I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
