Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
