Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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