So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
