When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I love you. Go after that dick
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
