i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
