Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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