just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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