i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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