He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
